We Could Happen

We were bestfriends since we were kids.

We know almost everything about each other.

You know how much I love oceans,

And I know how much you hate it when I go there

Because you were scared that I would get drowned.
Remember when we enter college?

Our classmates thought we were couple.

We even became muse and escort in our section.

I told you, “That would be incest ’cause you were like a brother to me.”

And you laughed so hard as if it was the best day of your life.
Remember when I called you that night?

You ran ahead at my place right after you heard my cracking voice.

You knew something was wrong.

That was the first time I saw you get mad.

How foolish I was to get cheated by my first boyfriend.
Then I met a guy again.

You told me to be careful because you don’t want to see me crying again.

I said, “Trust me, I’m sure of this.”

But then months later,

I was crying again on your shoulders.
Time has passed and we hardly see each other.

I’m now living alone in the apartment and you’re seeing someone now.

As much as I want to be happy for you, I just can’t.

Because I easily get jealous everytime we’re together but you talk lots about her.

You even once cancelled our vacation because your girlfriend won’t allow you.

I was so mad at her for easily snatching you away from me,
You texted me saying we should meet up by the coffee shop along the train station.

I was so happy that I wore a dress, not my usual jeans and shirt.

I saw you sipping at your coffee and browsing your phone.

My heart leaps because after a lot of weeks, we’re finally together again.

You saw me and you waved your hand to me.
You gave me a puppy with the note saying,

“I’m going to be your companion because your bestfriend is getting married”

You were so happy, smiling from ear to ear, waiting for my reaction.

All I could do was to cry.

You asked me, “Is that happy tears?”

I thought you knew me so well. How can you not tell I am not happy?

But then I just laughed so hard as if it was the best day of my life.

To cover up the world that is crashing right in front of me.
Let me ask you once,

Have you ever fallen in love with me?

Has it ever crossed your mind that we could happen?

Because I do.

I always do.

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Breakup Letter

🐢,

I can’t remember writing letters to you. It’s funny that this is the first time I’m writing to you, break up letter pa! We’ve been two years already and honestly, both of us didn’t expect that we’ll come this far. Who would’ve thought na magiging tayo eh wala naman tayong ginawa kundi mag-asaran lang noon? Remember that time na inaasar mo akong tomboy tapos sinasabihan kita na akin na lang yung girlfriend mo noon. From strangers to friends to bfgf and I think back to strangers again. Really, time flies so fast. One thing is certain, feelings change.

I don’t know how we ended up like this because seriously, we became toxic to each other. Maybe its because of my immaturity or maybe because its your insensitivity. Paano nga naman magwowork yun di ba? I can still remember those days when everytime we fought I search on google of signs on breaking up. This made me realize that its not enough that you just love each other. That it doesn’t take a third party, or falling out love for the couple to break up. Sometimes, its just that you feel that something is not right.

It made me realize that those little things I get mad at, piled up inside me, because I couldn’t let go of it, and suddenly they get bigger and bigger until I can’t handle it anymore. That’s the reason why I’m breaking up with you.

We were actually good. People even told us we’ll be a good couple because we started off as friends. We knew each other so well. We got comfortable to each other, and sometimes this is the reason why I get mad to you.

Those fights I picked, its not because I’m “tinotopak” like you always told me. Its because something is really wrong. I might jokingly suspect you sometimes but you know well that I trust you. I haven’t even thought of you cheating on me but those little lies you say is really something to me and you failed to realize that.

It saddens me to think that we’re going to be apart right now. I can’t even remember the life of being single. My heart is making excuses that maybe I just need a time off but is that really is? I know I have insist breaking up with you for a lot of times already, but after a few days, I get back to you again. Funny, right? I just hope that this will be the last time. And I won’t see myself running back to you again when I miss you. Because I know that nothing will change if I let you take me again for granted.

I don’t know if I’m ready for what could happen. What if you find another woman already? What if you forget me already? Am I ready for that? Am I ready to see you with someone else?

Right now, I’m thinking what weighs more, the pain you caused me or the happiness you brought to me? I’m thinking what are the reasons I’m mad at you and I came with 5 reasons. 1) You keep things from me. 2) You’re talking with other girls. 3) You always make me wait. 4) Sometimes I thought you don’t care about me. 5) You annoyed me. Funny reasons, right? Is that even a reason to walk away from two years relationship? I don’t know anymore. But can I accept any pain from you again?

I’m sorry. I’m sorry for saying all the harsh things a person could say. Sorry for being childish and immature. Sorry for easily getting jealous. Sorry for getting angry over stupid things. Sorry for nagging and whining. Sorry for my tantrums. Sorry for asking too much from you. Sorry for not understanding you and for not being there when times get rough. Sorry for wanting all of your time, attention and affection. Sorry for going through a hard time because of me. I know so well how burdened you are because of me. Sorry for all my shortcomings.

And for the last time, thank you for everything. I hope you know that I acknowledge every single effort you made for me. Thank you for all those years of being with me. Thank you for being with me through ups and downs. Thank you for encouraging me when I feel like giving up. Thank for all the gifts and libres you spent on me. Thank you for fetching me at school and going from Manila to Antipolo back to Manila again just to get me home safely. Thank you for eating with me and watching my favorites movies with me. Thank you for listening to my paulit-ulit na kwento. Thank you for teaching me to be brave so I learn how to bike. Thank you for letting me ride on your bike and biking at highways with me. Thank you for travelling with me and discovering new things. Thank you for being my inspiration. Thank you for loving me.

Thank you for making me realize that I have limits too.

I hope you’ll be happy and find rest from all the stress life gives you. We both know how cruel this world could be that’s why I’m asking you to just keep strong and don’t give up whatever dreams you have. I don’t know if I could ever love like I love you right now. I don’t even know if I could look to some other guys.

I love you and I will keep on loving you because I don’t want any other man than you.

Good bye.

xx

Around Metro Manila

 

Because it’s already second month of the year and I can’t travel yet because of my tight schedule, I decided to just travel around Metro Manila for a day.

Where to go:

  • San Agustin Church
  • Intramuros
  • The National Museum
  • Baywalk

Destiny = Right time, right place?

Why people say that there is a right time for everything? Right time for people to fall in love. Right time for people to achieve their goals. Right for what? How could we possibly know when is the right time? I guess there is no right time for everything. You want it, you go for it! Enough with all the excuses.

And how could a person tell that someone is not for her? That a job is not for her? Getting a degree is not for her? That this fucking destiny holds everything, right time and right place. No. Don’t lean on to something that doesn’t even exist. Don’t let your dreams lean on to something that is not reliable. We hold our destiny. We create our own destiny. Isn’t that sounds much better? Destiny is just an excuse of letting things happen than making it happen. You want it, you fight for it!

And is there really a right age for us to fall in love? Like, my mom told me that I am still young and I don’t even know what love is. So at my age, what am I feeling for my parents, isn’t that love? So how I come I dont anything about love? Age is just a number. When you feel it, then that is! When you start asking yourself, “do I love this guy?” Then the answer is yes cause you’re starting to ask yourself that question.

We can fall in love, anytime, anywhere. We can achieve our goal, anytime, anywhere. As soon as we want it, we can do it. But not all we can, we should do.

Not. Now.

People come and go they say but there is one person who will come and stay but does he really stay?

It always make me worry everytime I heard about people dying and leaving his/her partner alone. To think that the person who has been with you for a very long time, who has cherished you and love you and make you feel like you’re a queen has died. It is the most painful thing ever. I guess it would be much more easier if he just cheated or find another woman right? And it all makes you wanna go with him too on the next phase of his life but you know he wouldn’t be happy if you do “that”.

What’s harder about this is that you gotta learn to live your life without him. You sleep alone. You eat alone. You drive alone. No one will remind you to eat on time. No one will hear your dramas at night. No one will go watch your favorite movie with you. No one will hug you when you feel cold. No one will put a blanket on you when you fell asleep. No one will protect you at night when you walk alone. No one will buy your food when you get hungry at the middle of the night. No one will tell jokes when you’re upset. No one will get mad when you wear clothes that are too revealing. No one will fetch you at work. No one will ask about how your day went. That all the things you do together, you gotta learn to do it all ALONE and you have to get used to it. You will surely miss him and the things you do together and even the things that he does that annoys you. You will miss everything and guess what? The hardest thing when you miss someone is when you can’t do anything about it.

Sometimes it all makes no sense. Why a person spent the rest of her life with the person she love and make them feel like they are on top of the world and then fate comes in and then voila! At just one blink, everything has gone and it all comes down to, “Why the fuck did it happen to me?”

What’s more worst is that even younger people experience this. With only such a little time of happiness and it will all be gone. Is there some certain person who is destined to experience this? Or is it just FATE that fucks as all?

To the couples who inspired me to write this which I just wanna let those thoughts out in my little brain, I wish you’ll be happy soon and maybe find the reason why it did happen to you. Rest in peace to your partner and God bless you!

Just like the movie says, there are small and big infinities and I wish that I will have a SUPER DUPER ULTRA MEGA ‘BIGGEST’ infinity with my love.

Friendzone #2

So I had a crush on this guy for almost 3 years. I was a new student back then and had a lot of problems when he came into my life. He is tall and handsome. All the girls would ever want. He plays soccer and he is so witty and happy to be with. It was love at first sight.

Fortunately, I became one of his friends Not just his friend, but someone he always rely on and confiding at. So I guess you already know what happened. Yes, I was being friendzoned. He already had a girlfriend when we met so I became careful not knowing that I already fell in love with him.

To make the story short, I promise myself not to interfere with them and I will just wait. Yes. I’ve waited for him for almost 3 years.

Time passed by and they broke up because that girl find another guy. Imagine! He dumped someone I’ve been dreaming of for years!

I wasn’t that happy when they broke up because he had changed a lot. He started smoking and he’s always crying. I always comfort him but every time I do it, I always feel he wanted to be alone. So I let him be.

Sadly, I was transferred to another section so we’re not classmates anymore. I haven’t heard anything from him but that doesn’t stop me from loving him. I heard he is now a working student. I also heard he’s courting someone already. Sometimes, I saw him but I always hide. I don’t know. It was so awkward.

Last month, we had a training for our career. Since we’re in the same field, we met again. I think the fate loves playing with me because we became partner for a project. He talked to me like nothing had happened or maybe its just me who’s been overthinking all throughout the time. So in short, we became friends again. I also had friends in the training and since he’s my partner I introduce him to them.

At the end of our training, we went to eat at Mcdonalds. It’s like the old times hanging around divisoria to look for cheap shoes and everything. It was all fun. I thought maybe this is the right time for us. I thought that maybe this is all I’ve waited for.

While we’re eating, he asked about my friend he had met in the training. He said she’s pretty and he thought that maybe he is ready to fall in love again. He even asked me to put some bridge for them like WTF.

And again, my world crashes.

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This is the poem I’ve made after that day.

 

So yeah, BYE

Bumper Cars

I am the youngest child. My family expects so much from me, even my relatives and the people who knows me. It’s odd to think but I started from the top. It’s usual for them to see me on the top students list. They know me as a hardworking and good daughter every girl should be. But they don’t know everything was a lie.

College life isn’t easy. I was caught off guard, so I fell. I fail them a thousand times and still they don’t know it. How can a person they used to know as strong and smart tell them that she failed? How can she break these people’s heart knowing that she’s the only person they look up to? How can I tell them I am not the person they used to know?

It was too difficult that I kept everything in me since 2013 until now. There are lot of times I asked God to kill me cause I was too afraid to do it myself. There are lot of times I gave up my life and make it more shitty. It was only one mistake but that one mistake has domino effect that I can’t stop it from destroying other blocks. I failed a lot and the people I want to confide with will get hurt.

I wish I started from a jerk student so they didn’t expect much from me. I wish I had known better. I wish I could take back all those years so I could change my decisions. I gave up easily. I didn’t give a try.

What’s haunting me the most is seeing these people who made it. What if I try just like them? What if I don’t let my emotions and situations control me? Will I make it too? But it’s too late.

Sometimes I asked God why some people seems to have everything, like their stars are all lined up for them. Why when it comes to me, it’s like zigzag, up and down roller coaster. Where am I heading? Why this world seems to be cruel and unfair to me?

It’s going to be April. There are lots of students who will graduate soon. I should’ve been one of them but I fail. My parents still think I’m going to get that diploma on April. I haven’t tell them the truth yet. How can I tell them if all I’m hearing from them is they are so proud of me? How can I tell them when my brother who used to told me I wouldn’t make it finally said I’m going to make him happy since I’m going to graduate? How can I sabotage their happiness?

Sometimes I wish to stop the time so I can gather a lot of courage to break their heart or maybe it will fast forward to April 2018 so we wouldn’t feel the pain. I wish I can die right now.

How did I end up with this?

Philippines: Our Lost Identity

When I was a kid, my father used to spoil me with stories before going to sleep. Some stories were about his life and some were legendary tales known in my country. But there is one story that I will never forget. It’s the story of a lost eagle.
Once upon a time, at a large mountainside there was an eagle nest with 4 large eagle eggs inside.

One day, an earthquake rocked the mountain causing one of the eggs to roll down to a chicken farm, located in the valley below.

The chickens knew that they must protect the eagle egg. Eventually, the eagle egg hatched and a beautiful eagle was born. 

Being chickens, the chickens raised the eagle to be a chicken. The eagle loved his home and family but it seemed his spirit cried out for more.

One day, the eagle looked to the skies above and noticed a group of mighty eagles soaring. “Oh,” the eagle cried, “I wish I could soar like those birds.”

The chickens roared with laughter, “You cannot soar like those. You are a chicken and chickens do not soar.” The eagle continued staring at his real family up above, dreaming that he could be like them.

Each time the eagle talked about his dreams, he was told it couldn’t be done.

That was what the eagle learned to believe. After time, the eagle stopped dreaming and continued to live his life as a chicken.

Finally, after a long life as a chicken, the eagle passed away.



Thinking that story now, it is somehow related to the Philippines. With its water and agriculture, Philippines is a great country indeed. No wonder why few countries have conquered us. Unfortunately, those countries erased our culture and beliefs. And sadly, even Filipino elites tried to change our history making themselves heroes of this nation.

It is not true that Spaniards brought us civilization because even before they came here, we are already civilized. It is the reason why they despise Dr. Jose Rizal. They knew Filipinos were smarter than them so they changed us.

Right now, we might have wishful thinking that we live in Korea or America, or maybe Japan. But hey, Philippines is much greater than them. We just failed to realize that. Remember during Marcos regime, we were the fastest growing nation. We were number one exporter of rice. But now look at us. Are we just going to let this country die like that eagle thinking less of ourselves when we were actually great? When we can actually do something bigger.
Philippines, my loving country, I hope to see you soaring high again. 🇵🇭