Bumper Cars

I am the youngest child. My family expects so much from me, even my relatives and the people who knows me. It’s odd to think but I started from the top. It’s usual for them to see me on the top students list. They know me as a hardworking and good daughter every girl should be. But they don’t know everything was a lie.

College life isn’t easy. I was caught off guard, so I fell. I fail them a thousand times and still they don’t know it. How can a person they used to know as strong and smart tell them that she failed? How can she break these people’s heart knowing that she’s the only person they look up to? How can I tell them I am not the person they used to know?

It was too difficult that I kept everything in me since 2013 until now. There are lot of times I asked God to kill me cause I was too afraid to do it myself. There are lot of times I gave up my life and make it more shitty. It was only one mistake but that one mistake has domino effect that I can’t stop it from destroying other blocks. I failed a lot and the people I want to confide with will get hurt.

I wish I started from a jerk student so they didn’t expect much from me. I wish I had known better. I wish I could take back all those years so I could change my decisions. I gave up easily. I didn’t give a try.

What’s haunting me the most is seeing these people who made it. What if I try just like them? What if I don’t let my emotions and situations control me? Will I make it too? But it’s too late.

Sometimes I asked God why some people seems to have everything, like their stars are all lined up for them. Why when it comes to me, it’s like zigzag, up and down roller coaster. Where am I heading? Why this world seems to be cruel and unfair to me?

It’s going to be April. There are lots of students who will graduate soon. I should’ve been one of them but I fail. My parents still think I’m going to get that diploma on April. I haven’t tell them the truth yet. How can I tell them if all I’m hearing from them is they are so proud of me? How can I tell them when my brother who used to told me I wouldn’t make it finally said I’m going to make him happy since I’m going to graduate? How can I sabotage their happiness?

Sometimes I wish to stop the time so I can gather a lot of courage to break their heart or maybe it will fast forward to April 2018 so we wouldn’t feel the pain. I wish I can die right now.

How did I end up with this?